In normal circumstances, when a month passes, it feels like a month has passed. Not this past month. I recently met with another yogi friend for a coffee and a catch up on all things since our teacher training ended, and was shocked when she mentioned it’s now been six weeks since we finished our course. Six weeks! And looking back over my extensive (read, non-existent) blog posts in that time, I see that it has been a whole month since my first post.
I have never been one to work hard. Well, maybe I work hard at finding the path of least resistance. I am the leave it all to the last minute, mad slap dash panic kind of person, putting everything off to the last minute. And yet I find myself working 6 day weeks. Two of those days are 14hr days, two 11hr days, one 9hr and one 6hr. And one, blissful lazy day, where I plan classes and create playlists. I can quite honestly say, I’ve never found something that I have been so willing to push for, to work hard for, to find the energy for. I find it quite bizarre. I like lay ins. And lounging around. And hanging out. Not 5am starts and 9pm finishes.
And here I am, digging deep. Finding more energy for something I love doing then I ever thought I could have. I am constantly surprised by myself, when I thought I knew myself oh so well.
I am naturally shy. Is shy right? Maybe not, maybe introverted is a better definition. In large conversations I am lost. I am not uncomfortable; I just don’t find I often have things to contribute. I can happily sit and listen, rather than actively participate. Likewise, I loathe being asked to present or perform, or address a crowd. I blush and stutter and falter, lose my way, speak softly and generally act as awkward AF. Also the build up to any such event is coupled with extreme anxiety, sweating, shaking, nausea, stomach cramps. It is not my natural style.
And here I am, finding my groove and leading a class – making jokes and smiling, talking coherently and loudly. Not just enjoying teaching yoga but genuinely loving teaching yoga. I am constantly surprised by myself, when I thought I knew myself oh so well.
I am not a very physical person. You could say lazy. One friend recently described me as “sloth like” recently, how nice. I rarely played sports in school. I had to be harassed into horse riding as a teen. Anything I took up, I would quit within a year generally. I even quit yoga once or twice. But just when I thought I was out, it pulled me back in again. When I was too poor for classes, I began to follow online videos and practice with apps.
And here I am now, with a 6 day a week dynamic practice. With 5 classes a week to teach, where I demonstrate. Choosing to cycle to work (not as often as I like more recently but that will change again). I am constantly surprised by myself, when I thought I knew myself oh so well.
On the first day of our course, our course leader Rahoul told us that over the process of the course, something within our around us, would change. Everyone would experience some sort of shift, be it something tangible, mental or even corporeal. But thinking beyond that, Yoga began changing me long before that, because even finding myself in that room, 6 years on from completing my art degree wasn’t exactly “in character” for who I thought I was. And now, 6 weeks on from a course that I took to deepen my knowledge, again I find myself doing things I never thought were or could ever be “me”. Yoga has me silenced, and I realise that my self-perception was nowhere near as on the mark as I thought it was. In fact, it has completely changed my life in 6 short years. I wonder what changes it will bring in the next six years? Yoga constantly reveals more sides to myself than I never even knew existed.